scared

On the first the hubs and I just lounged around. That morning I read all of The Great American Detox. It was truly wonderful. A good majority of it I was already aware of, thanks to Dr. G, but there was still a lot for me to learn and take in. Last night I started The End of Overeating. So far it's great. There is this conditioning going on in my brain, that makes me want food even when I know I don't need it, or I know I shouldn't have it. Hopefully this book will give me more insight and help me with that. Hopefully.

The strangest thing happened yesterday that scares me. I, out of nowhere, had a craving for something sweet and all of a sudden I was wanting my favorite triple decker pb&j sandwich. I kept trying to rationalize why I should allow myself to have such a thing. Then I thought, why have that now, when I can have a regular pb&j for lunch tomorrow? I got onto tumblr to start looking at all the posts the people I follow have done for the day and in a few minutes, the craving subsided and later on I didn't even think about it anymore. This has NEVER happened before. Ever. I'm just so scared that the next time I get that kind of craving, it's not just going to magically go away.

Here's the thing. I know that I'm going to fall. It's inevitable. So being scared about that is crazy, but it's still how I feel.

Well . . . It's not so much the falling I'm scared of, but not being able to get back up. I'm so worried that if I fall, I'll do what I've always done and say screw it, I've already effed this up, why go on? That's always been what's kept me from getting where I want to be. I don't want that to happen anymore. I really don't.

I don't want to give up on myself anymore.