it's not a competition

But that's exactly how I felt earlier. Before I talk about how I felt, I need to give you a little back story. I promise it won't take long.

Growing up I was always smaller, not by much, than my sister. Not that I cared. She's my sister, we have nothing to prove, ya know? Anyway. For all of my adult life, I've been way way way way bigger than my sister. Even after having two kids and gaining some weight, she's still smaller than me.

My diet went to shit during and after a very traumatic almost 5 year relationship, and when my husband came into my life it was nice to have a soul mate who loves me for me. I got comfortable. In other words, I got even fatter. More unhealthy. I tried dieting to no avail and eventually said fuck it, I'm destined to be fat.

Sometime near the end of last year I felt terrible. I physically and mentally felt like I couldn't go on anymore. So I started to "try" losing weight again. Yet I kept myself from sticking with it. The thing that really lit the fire under my ass was when my sister told me she had cancer. Out of the three of us kids I really thought it would be me. Bad shit like this runs in the family and unfortunately my brother was right - I needed to brace myself because one of us was bound to get cancer sooner or later.

Imagine someone you love deeply, someone who means the world to you, tells you they have a life threatening disease. You have no breath, no thoughts, no words. Everything just stops. Every bad thing you've ever felt is insignificant in comparison to that moment; to them.

I'm so glad I can tell you that my sister is now cancer free and has been for almost two months. Almost the same amount of time I've been trying to better my life.

Today when she asked me if my husband and I would mind watching the kids so her and her husband could workout three times a week my first thought was absolutely! I'd love to see the kids more than once a week. They do, after all, get their awesomeness from their auntie ;) Then my second thought was this: I have to keep going - I don't want to stay the fat sister - I can't let her be smaller than me.

Oh, man. How awful am I for thinking that?!

I got over it, though. Now I'm like, good for her! Maybe, in the end, we will be close enough is size that we can share clothes. She always does buy the cutest shit. And, despite our age difference, we have a lot more in common than you would think. Especially when it comes to things we like and what we consider awesome. (Star Wars? Yes please!)

The thing to learn from this experience is this: getting healthy and fit isn't a competition. You are the only one like you on the planet (unless you have an identical twin) and the only person you should be competing with is who you were yesterday. Because let's face it. The only people holding us back, are us.

It's only failing if you refuse to try again.